Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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