I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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