I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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