so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
They have beer where we have blood.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
