today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
