i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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