We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
