wrigley field is MILF paradise
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
