Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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