god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
