Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
