I bet he comes in French.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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