what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
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