Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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