Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
