I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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