Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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