Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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