Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
