Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize