Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
