Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
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