Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Randomize
