She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
