I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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