I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
