apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
They have beer where we have blood.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Randomize
