I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
