Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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