The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
