Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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