My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
