i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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