hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
