i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
