I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Randomize
