He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize