My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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