i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
