This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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