I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
