Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize