drunk tastebuds have low standards.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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