I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
