Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
