he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
