just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
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