Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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