Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
