I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize