um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
