Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
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