i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize