he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I forgot wine drunk hurts
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
