i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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