im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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