I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
my liver is dry heaving
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
