when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I love you. Go after that dick
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
You don't make any sense
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