Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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