I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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